Chapter 3

Jace POV

Damn it. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid! What was I thinking? Not even asking her, just telling her I would always be at her site before, at and after school. Wow, stalker much? I can't believe I was this stupid to ruin things with her like this. What she must think of me now. Oh God! She must think I'm a freak, like this Sebastian. God, I hoped she didn't think I was a guy like him.

Why did I have to be so stupid?

I just … I was so angry when I heard what that douche did. This guy had some nerves! When Clary told me about him, I couldn't help but feel … jealous … angry … and protective of her. That's all I wanted, to keep her save and away from the ass.

Yeah, Jace, look how that turned out.

“Jace?”, someone asked from behind me.

I turned around and looked into the eyes of Alec. He looked slightly confused at seeing me here just standing in the hallway looking after Clary for the past five minutes. But why was he here? I thought he had psychics right now?

“What are you doing here?”, Alec asked.

I raised my chin, asking him the same thing.

“Whatever”, Alec mumbled, not looking me in the eye. “I have to go. Later.”

He rushed away and left me there, wondering what this all was about. But I shook it off and left school. I actually had practice after school, but I didn't bother today. I was frustrated and depressed about what happened. If I would speak, I could have called Clary back and told her I didn't mean like she thought I did. The thing is: I didn't speak. I don't speak. And I won't start because of her, because even if she sparked my interest. No one could be worth it, would ever be worth it for me to talk again.

But this wasn't true ...

There was one person who heard my voice, only this one person, who didn't even acknowledged it, when she heard me. But she was the only person who heard me in the last eleven years. The last time was ten months ago when she had a panic attack and she needed to calm down, so I did what I always had done when I was little and surprisingly she calmed down.

Normally she stared out of her window with glassy eyes, that was all she did all day, nothing more, nothing less and I hated it.

Visit her!

The thought hit me just out of nowhere. It's been a while since I've seen her, and it couldn't actually hurt to see again. I missed her and maybe, just maybe she missed me too, even if she was silent – like I was – and never even looked at me, just maybe she still appreciated my visits.

I went to my car, sent Izzy a text saying that she needed a lift home, because I was leaving early. She replied immediately asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything.

I rolled my eyes, but still smiled. She was my sister and cared for me, she was annoying as hell, but would leave everything hanging just for me and I loved her for it. I told her no thanks and that she should enjoy her afternoon with rat boy.

None of the Lightwoods knew about her and I wanted it to stay this way. She was sort of my little secret, the only connection to my old life, to my old self, to the real me and my family. As I drove through the streets my mind wandered to my last visit. It's been five weeks since I was there and I felt awful, I shouldn't have stayed away for so long. She needed me, I knew this much.

The drive took me over an hour, but it was worth it, it was every time.

The house stood at the end of the street, looking as cold as ever. It still looked the same, maybe even a bit more depressing than normal, but then again, maybe that was just because of me and my foul mood. I stood in front of a big gray house, two stories and a – once – bright red fence. There were lots of cracks in the walls and some of the windows were smashed, but there wasn't enough money to repair these kind of things. I hated this place and I didn't want her to stay here, but I still hadn't a job to pay for a better home, so she needed to stay here until I could get her out of here.

Sighing I went up the three steps and went straight in. Inside was a little reception, pretty crappy, but okay. There sat a woman – Nicole – typing on her phone and looking a little bored. She heard my steps and looked up. Seeing me she smiled, stood up and came to me.

“Jace”, Nicole smiled and opened her arms wide.

We hugged. Nicole put her hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes.

“You've been away way too long”, she scolded a bit frowning.

I looked apologetic at her and she smiled. Then she frowned and heaved a sigh.

“It's been worse, but she's been … harder to handle since the last time you visited her.”

I sighed and looked at the floor, wanting to hit myself for being so careless. I should have found more time for her, she was all I had, except for the Lightwoods of course, but I wasn't blood related to them …

“You wanna see her now?”, Nicole smiled sadly, but encouraging.

I nodded and she just stepped away from me and went back to her chair in front of her desk. Nicole knew I knew my way around and didn't like to be watched by others, when I visited her.

“Good luck”, she whispered, but didn't look up.

I took a deep breath and went up the stairs, then took a left and went to the end of the corridor to the door with the black '23 - Herondale' on it. Knocking lightly, I waited for some kind of answer. Every time I came here I knocked, waiting for her to react in any way, but she never did. But I didn't want to bark in. I opened the door and stepped inside. She was laying on her bed, staring out of the window, like usual. And like every other time the first thing I did, was to go to her and kiss her forehead as some sort of greeting.

She didn't react in any way. Her eyes still were glassy, lifeless, not focused on anything particular.

Sighing I went to the piano in her room and started playing a little melody. I can't remember a time where I didn't solve problems with music, especially with her.

“Sing”, I heard a voice from the door frame.

Shocked I looked up and saw Nicole again. She smiled a small sad smile and looked with teary eyes at me.

“She- She-” Nicole sniffed. “Sorry. After the last time you sang for her, she was better for a whole week. When she was alone she wrote the lyrics down, again and again and again. So sing. Sing it for her. I'm sure she will appreciate it, even if she can't show you her appreciation.”

I looked at her and thought about it. It was hard, I wanted to stay silent, I made the decision almost eleven years ago. But for her, I would break it anytime, I needed to. I couldn't loose her too, I needed her in my life and I liked to think that when I sang to her, she forgot for a short amount of time. That for this little while she was herself again, not just this lifeless body without a soul or any resemblance to her old self.

Sometimes – if I got lucky – she was. She smiled a small smile, or her eyes focused for a split second on me and I saw she recognized me again. I lived for this little moments! I needed this little moments! So I sang her favorite song …

Stell dich vor meine Mitte.
Leg dich in jede Figur.
Werf dich in jeden meiner Schritte.
Ich tanz' für dich, wohin du willst.
Ich geh'
Rüber ans Fenster
um zu sehen ob,
Die Sonne noch scheint.
Hab' so oft,
Bei schwerem Gewitter
In deine Hände geweint.
Wie soll ein Mensch das ertragen?
Dich alle Tage zu sehen
Ohne es einmal zu wagen
Dir in die Augen zu sehen.
Stell dich vor meine Mitte.
Leg dich in jede Figur.
Werf dich in jeden meiner Schritte.
Ich führe dich, wohin du willst.
Wie soll ein Mensch das ertragen?
Dich alle Tage zu sehen
ohne es einmal zu wagen
dir in die Augen zu sehen.
Zu sehen...
Zu sehen...
Zu sehen...
Zu sehen...
Zu sehen...
Könnt ich einen einzigen Tag nur
In meinem Leben dir gefallen
Um dann ein einziges Mal nur
In deine Arme zu fallen.
Wie soll ein Mensch das ertragen?
Dich alle Tage zu sehen
Ohne es einmal zu wagen
Dir in die Augen zu sehen.
Zu sehen...
Zu sehen...
Zu sehen...
Zu sehen...
Zu sehen...
Mhh...

Nicole was sobbing in the door frame, tears running freely down her cheeks, and she, she sat up. She sat up and looked at me. And then she did something I thought she would never do again. She crossed her arms in front of her chest to an 'X', her hands turned in to fists. It meant 'I love you' ...

Translation of the song:

Stand in my middle

Lay in every figure
Throw you in every steps of mine

I dance (for) you, where you want to be

I go
to my window

to see

if the sun still shines

So many times

during thunderstorms

cried in your hands

How can a human endure?

To see you every day

Not once dare

to see you in your eyes
Stand in my middle

Lay in every figure
Throw you in every steps of mine

I lead you, where you want to be

How can a human endure?

To see you every day

Not once dare

to see you in your eyes

To see ...

To see ...

To see ...

To see ...

To see ...

Could I just one day

of my life please you

And then just one time

fall in your arms

How can a human endure?

To see you every day

Not once dare

to see you in your eyes

To see ...

To see ...

To see ...

To see ...

To see ...
Mhh...